This time last last year, I was completely a different person. Probably someone who was not exactly heartless but was incapable of feeling things.
Perhaps when people go all the way, they tend to go ALL the way.
I did and look what going all the way did to me.
When people get hurt, we tend to resort to things that will halt the bleeding. I didn’t say stop because the bleeding doesn’t really stop; you could halt it or postpone it, or interrupt it but doesn’t simply stop. So, people go out of their ways to be less hurt, to shed less tears; to feel less pain.
Because let’s be honest, who wants to feel the same shit every damn day? No one.
Forgive me for the profanities.
Some people play safe, some people don’t play at all; while others lurk around, watching others’ despair just so they can take the attention away from their issues. Whatever your defense mechanism, everything is totally human, except when the halting starts and lasts for one freaking year.
I would know that for sure. Believe me.
It doesn’t take a genius to tell that yours truly is talking about a heartbreak. Yes, I am talking about a heartbreak. A heartbreak that’s got me stuck in the zone where everything is in gray and everything is so misplaced that you wouldn’t easily know where you stand.
Some days, it’s okay. Playing the safe game with the same old person: barely holding each other because you’re too afraid to let go.
It’s all about the fear. It’s all about feeling not good enough because that one moment in time, when you were once breakable, someone broke you; shattered you even.
The relief is temporary. And while for some relief is good, we will always find ourselves picking up the pieces of what’s left of us; of ourselves that we used to know.
That’s why people wake up one day with a harsh reality that they are not anymore who they’re used to be because when we let people in: they change us in so many subtle ways we will never understand until that day we face the mirror and see a completely different person.
The change might be good, it might be bad but when we let people in, they get out and leave us with a smile… or a scar.
And when you find yourself listening to a song about heartbreak or liking an annoying country singer just because you could relate to her songs, you’ll know that the person left a scar—something that had you forever changed.
But perhaps, when we let people in, it’s always a conscious decision. When we let people in, we give them the right to walk away but trusting them not to. When we let people in, there would be times that it would be so beautiful. I think that’s why poets and lyricists exist—things tend to become so beautiful that many try to put them into words. But we all honestly can’t.
When you’re so happy, there would be no enough words and there would be no enough gestures to prove your point.
I would know that for sure.
The scar I have was caused by something that made me so happy once in my life. It made me so happy that I still find myself smiling sometimes.
Love is not at all cruel but reality is. Really, some people come to your life and then they change you, and they go. Because perhaps, the person you are after everything you’ve been through is the person you’re very capable of becoming.
You either become stronger, or heartless, or happier—but for what it’s worth, we all come out as different persons. And maybe, the person you have become is exactly the reason why you can’t be together anymore.
Perhaps, it was never meant to be.
Perhaps, it was always meant to just a memory of once upon a time.
But letting go and moving forward is necessary; challenging but necessary.
It’s like nursing an ankle injury. You feel the pain all at once and then you don’t for a while. But as you try to walk again, you feel the pain again and it makes you fear to try walking again on your own. That’s why you have physical therapists to guide you through it, or friends who will tease you about your cast but carry you anyway just in case your cast becomes too heavy for you.
The thing about injuries, you just have to push through the pain. Nurse an injury slowly until it doesn’t hurt anymore; until it doesn’t threaten you anymore.
As per Grey’s Anatomy, the goal is total recovery—to come out better than you were before. Some of us heal and quickly, while for others, healing happens gradually. Some recovery lasts for months or years—for some it takes time to realize that they’re not hurting anymore.
But the challenge is to be patient.
And as they say it, if you can go through months or years of pain and suffering, you can get your life back.
At the right time, in the right place… and you just might end up with the right person.
This time last year, I was writing endlessly. This time around, I’m still writing endlessly but for a completely different reason. And as I write, I guarantee you, I’m doing it with a smile on my face.