I would have taken on a “2012: The Year in Review” blog post but trust me, 2012 is so bad, it pains me to even review it. So, on the last day of 2012, I can say that as we celebrate the transition of the year tonight, there would be a plate for you in this home, forgiveness.
But before I start forgiving the freak of a year you are, 2012, let me just tell you this: FUCK YOU.
That felt good.
Now, on to the forgiving part.
Let me start by saying that 2012 was really a bad year; like bad, as in I-wish-I-could-just-skip-this-year kind of bad. But just like the many things 2012 brought me, when the clock strikes 12 tonight, everything 2012 will be in the past now.
Finally, I get to say: that’s so 2012.
I guess having a year of various losses and heartbreaking moments could really change people. I should know; I spent the entirety of 2012 just losing everything and repeatedly breaking my heart for a mixture of reasons.
Then, again, just like in one of my previous blog posts, I decided I probably should just start forgiving people, events, and fate for changing me into something else—a far cry than what my 2011 self had imagined me to be.
2012, I guess, bitch-slapped me countless times because I was this heartless, annoying kid who didn’t care about anything else but herself.
So, I guess, I should just learn to forgive myself for every mistake I did—for decisions I made, for letting people hurt me, and for dragging myself into a hole I couldn’t seem to get out of. I realized that most events that broke my heart were all results of my poor judgments, insecurities, and fears; that the beast I have turned into is a product of every good thing I refused to acknowledge: love, faith, and letting go.
Like a few unfortunate ones, I would have broken my own heart for trying my best not to let others do it.
I figured that to forgive people, I must do that to myself first. You can’t give away something you don’t have for yourself in the first place.
If you ask me however, if I regret anything I did this year, I’d definitely say yes. I regret everything I did that made me suffer in the end but would I change it given the chance?
In effort to try and bring something good from 2012 to the next year, perhaps, there were a couple of good things: experience, a new heart, and definitely a brand new outlook in life.
I guess, having a hard year makes you accept the truth that life isn’t fair at all; that people fuck up, and that fate always finds a way to screw you up.
And that’s okay because as we go along, we stumble into a few good things—and that would be more than enough to keep going even if it means you’d have to drag yourself up in effort to bring yourself back on track.
I’m just human and I make mistakes; but as they say it, being human does not save you enough from the fire when it bounces back.
So, tonight, I’ll raise my glass to forgiveness; to forgetting.
As what the preacher said hours before I edited this blog post, forgetting is not the absence of a memory—it is not being influenced by what the memories bring. It is about not being threatened or scared or hurt by your past.
I cannot buy back time to redo every single thing that 2012 brought. I cannot re-make my decisions. I certainly cannot undo everything I did or go back in time to do something I didn’t.
The best thing I could do now is not make the next year just like 2012. How do I do that?
I don’t know.
I have no idea how starting over works. I’m sure I have a long list of starts that didn’t quite work out. Just like what was said on a TV show:
“It’s all anybody wants, right? Clean slate. A new beginning. Like that’s gonna be any easier. Ask the guy pushing the boulder up the hill. Nothing’s easy about starting over. Nothing at all.”
I don’t know where to start but just like what the preacher said: be delivered from your past.
Let it go.
Stop looking back because that’s not where you’re headed.
I guess, out of the many times I told myself not to look back, this is the one moment I just know I never will.
Maybe it’s the sound of the early fireworks out the window or maybe, it’s just the optimism the new year brings but I know I can’t fully see the things ahead of me if I will keep myself trapped in the past that didn’t make me happy.
I am not my past—for first real time, I believe that.
2012 never worked for me in any way it should have and that’s exactly the reason why 2013 will be about making things work for a change.
Read more books.
Travel more places.
Take more pictures.
Pursue more things.
Breathe more air.
Feel more emotions.
2013 is going to be a good year.
I feel it.
I just wish that—unlike so many things in my past—this feeling isn’t wrong.
It’s plainly stupid, I guess. But it’s a concept of self-destruction not every human being has the ability to realize.