WARNING TAG ON PROFANITY
This isn’t even a blog about self-empowerment. This is everything but a blog about self-worth.
I’ll tell you one thing about myself: I’m an asshole.
To elaborate on that, I’ll tell you that I’m a giant self-assured brat who walks around as if I don’t care about anyone or anything at all.
So, no. This isn’t a blog you should read if you’re looking for something that’ll help your self-esteem. Despite the title, this blog is not written to tell you to walk out of that toxic relationship you’re in or take the next train out of that city or job you loathe.
This is me simply telling you that it’s perfectly okay to want better things for yourself. This is me telling you that you don’t have to feel bad about wanting to get out of whatever limbo you’re in. This is me telling you that it doesn’t make you a bad person if you end up hurting some just because you chose to put yourself first.
It makes you an asshole and a self-assured brat, yes but it doesn’t make you a bad person.
People could go on and on about how simple it is to be happy; about choosing what makes you happy but nothing about this world is simple. The human body is a complex thing and so is the world it exists in. So, yes, people could go and on about how easy it is to be happy but only you can decide whether or not it’s true.
The thing about stepping on the gas is that someone might always end up getting hit, or thrown under the bus. But there are situations where we, the one behind the steering wheel, would feel the itch to drive as far away as we can with the hope for better things.
It’s about that first step. It’s all about taking that first step confidently.
2013 has been that year for me–a year about evaluating whether or not I should step on the gas, speed up, and not look back.
At some point this year, I found myself in a situation that was slowly turning me into the kind of person I, myself, wouldn’t like. I caved in and re-adjusted my whole life so that it fits the people I chose to live it with. I redesigned everything so that I could keep said people and by the time I became everything they wanted to be, I found myself not liking me one bit.
I hated it so much that everytime I thought about my decisions, I cringed.
So, yes, I took that first step confidently.
The first step has nothing to do with knowing the way out because let me tell you, the way out is not a necessarily a door. It could be a wall or a window, or it could be the fucking ceiling but the point is, you will find a way out if you want to.
The first step is deciding to get out.
It’s not easy–nothing about ending something is easy. That’s why I’m telling you that it’s okay to feel bad and guilty and sad. It’s okay to be confused and that nothing is wrong with you because you’re human. Somehow, our body is designed to feel pain at the thought of goodbye. You’re human, that’s why it’s okay if you feel a little lost and a little clueless about where you’re going after you take that first step.
People who tell you that loving yourself more is easy, they’re either liars or hypocrites. It’s not easy. It makes you an asshole half the time but love yourself more anyway.
Loving yourself more makes you an asshole because you’ll always end up hurting somebody else; and it makes you a self-assured brat because you’ll always end up messing things up but love yourself more anyway because after all is said and done, you’re the only one who decides on your happiness.
Sure, you can submit time and time again to other people thinking it’s the best for everybody. You can succumb to whatever other people want for you. You can rearrange your life for your family, your friends, your partner–but you will never be good enough for you.
And you’re gonna regret turning into someone you don’t want for yourself.
So, go. If loving yourself more makes one hell of a mess, love yourself anyway. Because you know what?
It’s going to be okay.
It’s all going to be okay because once you find peace in your head, you’re gonna find peace everywhere. So, step on the gas, speed up, and don’t look back.
It makes you an asshole, yes, and you may get a speeding ticket but speed up anyway because every second you waste being miserable is a second you can never get back. And trust me, life’s too long to be unhappy.
Staying is brave, yes. I believe that. It is brave to stay and believe that things are going to work out eventually. And some of us may find peace in staying calm.
But leaving does not necessarily make you a coward.
Leaving makes you human, just about human enough to have limits.
Nothing is wrong with wanting better things, my friend. You’re okay. Always keep in mind that leaving does not make you a bad person. It makes you a person who made a decision.
It’s not always easy.
But love yourself more anyway.
Take that first step confidently, then go from there.