time, and how it passes but not quickly enough to heal

you know what they say about things that happen so abruptly–the brain doesn’t process it right away.

and i’ve known this since i was a kid, that we all need time to make something of the changes that happen around us. i’m pretty much fast on about almost anything in this life: learning, living, thinking, dying, and resurrecting.

but then, from time to time, fate plays this sick joke where it basically wakes up one day and surprises us with some horrible news that stir our lives to an entirely new direction. for some people, it feels like a drive in the middle of nowhere, you’re lost but you’ll eventually find your way because even when you’re not Dora, you’re you and you always find a way out. however, there are bad news that feel like pulling a plug, cutting a cord; ending life support–and it feels like dying sometimes.

the horrible thing is, you wake up the next day and that bad news is still hanging around in the air.

it’s more than losing something you’ve been doing for a living. it’s more like a question of direction–like sometimes we ask if there’s life after death; if there’s something out there big enough to hold our love; or if there’s an easier way to start again.

to the friends i made in vocus, this isn’t my swan song.

this is the part i tell you i haven’t had closure yet. this is the part where i tell you that starting over feels like pushing a boulder up a hill.

i haven’t seen the point of posting all the photos from the last day, i haven’t seen the point of reunions, i haven’t seen the point of writing a sentimental goodbye. i haven’t read the letter jan gave me. i even sometimes still refer to you as my officemates.

it’s not a matter of sentimental attachment nor is it about letting go. it’s more like asking where i should begin again.

now how do i end this?

the point is moot but this is an apology, too, and i’m not the most eloquent person you know, but this.

this is the hint of the heart you’ve asked me to show so many times but i didn’t.

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