what really happens when your heart starts beating again

we go on a hiatus for a ton of reasons. it’s that part of one’s life when we decide to just be alone for a while and experience the world for what it is. others do it to rest; while others do it because they need to heal.

but then, the time will come when you just know that the hiatus is over. that maybe, just maybe, you’re once again ready to let someone in.

it doesn’t happen in that grand way the books and movies tell us.

it’s gradual.

it’s a small, melting realization that the walls you’ve built around yourself aren’t strong enough to hold for much longer. it’s like waking up one day and with a certain somebody in mind and then, you realize that you’re absolutely in trouble because suddenly, you see yourself with that person.

an extra bounce in your step, that’s what they call it. when your mornings are a little bit better; when you find yourself almost willing to open up. it’s that disgusting thing that happens when out of nowhere, you smile; you smile simply because you can.

one day, you’re alone in your car, singing to the song you used to sing when you were so down and suddenly, it doesn’t hurt anymore.

it’s gradual. without any sort of explanation, you just wake up one day and realize you’re ready.

you’re okay; that when they ask you, you’ll say yes.

the idea still scares the hell out of you but not enough to make you run.

wherever your head is at, it’s important to remember that some things you can’t rush. that no heart stays shut for so long; that wounds heal. that no matter how deep your cuts are, it eventually stops bleeding.

when your heart starts opening up once again, the feeling will be both familiar and different. it’s familiar in a way that you know you’ve felt it before—the way your heart speeds up, the butterflies, and those moments when you listen to a song and it’ll remind you of them. you’ve felt this before but then it’s different.

the feeling is familiar but it’s not the same because you’re not the same person as the last time you felt it. you’ve changed; you’re wiser now.

and maybe you’re more careful now but the whole point is, when your heart starts beating again, you’ll know.

it’s scary sometimes—that our heart has the ability to care so vastly. that it has the ability to want and need—and that most days, we don’t get to have a say. the way it stops.

and then it always starts.

it always starts.

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