i was out on the park today, my mind set on running my usual lap. i’m pretty predictable when it comes to these kinds of things: three laps around the oval, rest; two laps, rest; one last lap, and then i’m done.
somewhere along the run, somewhere amid the playlist i so-creatively titled run, the skies above me have started to darken. not the dramatic way where it just darkens for a nostalgic kinda feel; it’s the kind of dark that warns a person that a storm is coming.
upon realizing this, my mind does its thing: i think, to the point of overdrive. why in the hell am i out at this kind of weather? i mean, who goes for a run when the weather isn’t peachy? who goes for a run when it’s so obvious that it’s gonna pour?
like always, i roll my eyes at my own actions, scoffing at the stupidity of it and that’s where i realized; that’s where it hit me–
i’ve always been prone to picking the complicated option.
from my choice of coffee shops, to the kind of food i eat, down to the very last detail of my existence, there’s always that kind of complicated risk, a complicated choice–a complicated factor.
it’s never just one thing, there’s always a but and a what if and a fuck it. it’s never simple.
i think about it sometimes. why can’t I just learn to want the things that want me back? the easy job, the one the doesn’t make me want to pull strands of my hair on the regular. the easy person, the one who loves me without question or reason. the easy relationship, the kind nobody questions or raises an eyebrow on. the easy people, the ones without drama, the ones without risk. the laid back life, where I don’t have to think about saving money for big ass travel expenses. the accepting mindset, where I don’t fight for women’s rights, for marriage equality; the kind of mindset where it’s easy to look past the things I can’t change. the easy company, the kind of friends who don’t come and go.
i think about it sometimes, how easy it would be if I liked the simple things, if my mind rested easy on the things that are here. how easy would it be I didn’t insist on reaching out to skyscrapers that never look down?
but then today, on my third lap around the oval, as my chest heaves and fights for its right to expand, i saw a guy kissing another guy and it reminded me of the ocean. it reminded me of how the waves continue to kiss the shore even if it’s been told its entire life that it’s only meant for the sea; how the wind just pulls it back without hesitation but after a while, it bravely comes back to the shore and embraces it fully, like it belonged there.
and this lead me to realizing how truly brave it is, to not stop yourself for wanting something so tragically complicated. to stand up for something. to drop everything because you want more.
over time, i have seen people being told that it’s so easy to be happy. that happiness has always been about being okay with the things you don’t have; of learning to accept the things you can’t change.
somewhere out there is a girl who’s as conflicted as i am, wondering why she can’t sit still; wondering why she has a need for growing, of expanding; of seeing the world in different shades.
and that girl is probably scared, because nobody ever really knows where this complicated wanting ends; if it ever really ends.
if you’re this girl, let me tell you something. you’re a brave, brave soul–and maybe someday you’ll learn how to stop reaching for things that can’t see you but until then, go for it.
jump blindly if you have to. make that move. because there are people who spend all their lives trying to figure out what the hell it is that they want–and here you are, your eyes glued to a blog of someone you barely know, thinking about going for it but never really trying.
to hell with those who think you’re crazy, for those who think you’ve lost it. it’s the wanting; it’s that endless want to become something more that keeps you going everyday–and no one has the right to call you out for that.
it’s scary, the possibility that you’re probably never going to stay in one place, in one relationship, in one job–but with each little step you grow. with each little step, with each little move, you stay a while longer. little by little, you learn to embrace the complex things, the things that aren’t everyone else’s to love.
you are terrifying, you are strange, and you are beautiful. you are something not everyone is ready to love–so go for the complicated things, go for the things that scare you. go for the things that make your heart jump out of its place because i think it’s brave.
i think it’s brave to try to be happy; and at the end of the day, who the hell wouldn’t want to be less right if only to be a little more happy?