i named a specific kind of pain after you

it’s the one i wake up to and i get out of bed and i step on something
something that smells like the earth but is as solid as liquid and it looks like a grave but it’s not
so every morning i wake up to an ‘almost’ and i work through the day like a ‘not quite’

it’s the kind of sting that i feel when you’re so close and i can almost touch you
but i don’t because my hands are cold
and i know yours are too
so i tiptoe around you and you never see
because you’re looking at the sun
when i’m the god damned lamp post somewhere in the darkest part of the city

i know you’ve been reading every unaddressed love letter i’ve revealed for the world to see
and i know you’ve been trying to write something back
but you don’t have the words
and i know you’re just  as terrified as i am

maybe we could’ve have had something more
maybe we could’ve been the best thing that happened to each other
but also maybe, keeping silent is the best thing we’ve done

maybe.

so i named a kind of pain after you because
it’s very specific
the kind i only feel when you’re around and you pretend you don’t see it

how my eyes light up at the sound of your voice
how my smile widens at the mere sight of your face
how my whole world shakes under my feet because i’m so scared
but if you tell me to jump, i’ll jump

and i have been here on the edge of the cliff
but you keep walking past me, trying hard to pretend you don’t see how I’ve been setting myself on fire just so i could compare to the sun

and god, it’s so unfair when i could make a bonfire
out of my skin and bones
right in front of your house

and you still won’t see it

because i could be everything you’d ever need

but it doesn’t matter if i’d never be the one you want

(because you’re so god damned blind and stop looking at the fuckin’ sun)

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