why are you still hurting; and all other notes for 2016

“hitting rock bottom could be the best thing that ever happened to you,” a wise person once said, and at the time, all i wanted to do was scream in response because what the hell are you talking about? how could this be the best thing that ever happened to me when all i’ve ever done is shower and cry—sometimes i do both at the same time.

it doesn’t make any sense. when we’re in pain, we tend to see only that pain. we only see the way it hurts us and the way it affects the things and people we  care about. it’s not rocket science, not really. we are mostly selfish when we’re in pain because it’s the body’s way of reacting to the things it doesn’t want. we isolate everything else inside the bubble of what causes our pain.

all of a sudden, your whole world has become about that pain, that trauma, that heartbreak. some days, we don’t see past it. that’s why when someone tells us hey, it’s gonna be okay, it doesn’t make any freaking sense because it doesn’t feel okay.

nostalgia is at its high on all of us on the days in between Christmas and the New Year. these few days of solace give us the perspective we’ve been needing all year long. Christmas was about relishing the old, the good, and the familiar. but the looming new year has a way of making us all feel agitated. it has a way of making us feel a need to change something in hopes that it’ll make us better, well-functioning adults.

there’s something really twisted about this mentality because if change is necessary, why are we spending our entire year waiting for the next year to make something happen? but then, i like celebrating the new year. it’s like it is nature’s way of telling us that something has to change.

if you haven’t reached a certain goal, what have you been doing all year long? if you’ve hit rock bottom, why the hell are you still there? why the hell haven’t you bounced back up?

why are you still hurting?

i, frankly, can’t answer that but I guess paving the way to a better, bigger year begins with answering your whys.

know where that hurt is coming from
as they say, knowing the problem is half the solution. once, i wondered why i never stay  in one place. i’m always looking for new jobs, new people, new places to go. i find it hard to stay in one place and at some point, i was so certain it was because i was unhappy—until i realized that all the people i’ve lost before didn’t really go. i left them, because it’s the only way i know.


i realized then that i was scared. i leave places first because i didn’t want to be the one who gets left behind. i run because i didn’t want to be the one who chases after things and people. i choose the option i want less because i was too scared to not be good and competent enough for the option I really want.

it’s after i realized this did i slowly learn how to fight it. knowing where all your pain is coming from (or who is causing it) gives you a chance—a chance to stand taller against it. though with shaky knees, knowing who your enemy is gives you the chance to win.

when you’re scared, you close our eyes—and to fight the monsters under your bed, the first thing you do is open your eyes.

and that’s when you brace yourself. that’s when you cling to the nearest warmth you can find—whether it be a something or a someone.

allow yourself to have a person, maybe a couple of people—but never a crowd
they say it all the time but it wouldn’t really make any sense until you’re lying on the bathroom floor—crying—but it’s true: you need people in your life. and this is coming from a person who values her alone time so much.

confronting the source of my pain meant that i had to recount some of the lowest points of my life, some of which still hurts a bit when i remember. and going back to a painful time will swallow you whole, unless you have a hand holding you or light that will always show you the way home.


you can’t do your life alone—that’s what this whole 2015 taught me.

maybe, you aren’t an open book. maybe, just like me, you don’t like talking about yourself or your feelings. but hear me out: tell one person, just one. talk about it slowly, even in pieces, try to tell somebody your story.

i promise it’ll feel so much better. they call it a support system for a reason.

start from there. talk about it; because talking about it makes it real.

and you can only kill a monster if it’s real.

understand that healing is a slow, awkward process
one of the truths you’ll learn once you decide to break your bad habits is that it’s  not easy. it never is. you will fall back a couple of times. there’ll be a time you’ll be so convinced you can spend your whole life carrying that pain around. you’ll even think you like it on some days.

but healing, as cliché as it is, takes time.


understand that it’s not  an overnight process, that nothing worth having comes easy because if it was—if it was so easy—i wouldn’t have enough experience to write this blog. i wouldn’t have a heart strong enough to care, to love; to give without asking for anything back.

be patient with yourself. be patient with your process. take your time.

tiptoe if you must but start somewhere.

want it, own it—your younger self is counting on you to protect her
the key to kicking a habit is to want to kick it. don’t half-ass your battles, whole-ass it because the only thing worse than running away, is going straight into battle unprepared.

you have to decide, for your own goddamn sake, that this pain is no longer helping you in any way, size, or form. you have to decide that you no longer want this toxic person around. you have to decide that you no longer want to be this person.

respect yourself enough to walk away from the things that no longer makes you happy. love yourself enough to walk away from people who no longer allows you to grow.

breathe, you’re okay
maybe you’ve had a bad year. maybe you’ve stayed on that rock bottom for far too long to know how to bounce back. maybe, it puzzles you that all the kids your age seem to get their life together and you’re there, just watching and not really knowing how to do life.

let me tell you something: none of us fucking knows what we’re doing.


none of us knows how to unlock the vault to happy ever after. if you feel lost and that life sometimes feels more like a mumbo jumbo of words you don’t understand—then, welcome to the real world, there’s like 7 billion of us here.

all of those friends you see on social media—they have troubles of their own, too. they bake cakes, they travel, they get awards for their jobs—they’re all fighting their demons, too. and just because you’re seeing the highlight reel of their life doesn’t mean you get to compare it with your behind-the-scenes.

you’re a work in progress. you’re gonna bake cakes someday, too. you’re gonna travel the world or maybe do something less expensive and less Instagram-worthy but you’re gonna figure it out.

for now, calm down and work on getting over your slump first.

unless you’re vomiting or dead, keep going.





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