growing up, we all learn that love is never what it appeared to be when we were younger.
at some point before reaching this very moment you’re reading this, you’ve learned that there are some kinds of love that just don’t work; that love–when it isn’t returned–could damage a heart beyond repair.
at some point, between the person you were yesterday and the person you are today, you’ve learned that our personal experiences modify how we give and receive love.
and i do believe that the amount of love we allow ourselves to give and receive is a result of all collected moments with people–be it friends, family, and special someones.
and though most of us are everyday faced with the cold, hard truth–we can’t help but wish that we could love freely and without reservations. and that we could receive it fearlessly and fiercely, like the ocean when it is happy.
today, i sat across a couple of people that i barely knew. i didn’t hear much what they were talking about but i found myself trying up to silence whatever i can silence just so i could belong, just so i could feel included.
halfway through all my efforts to hear the conversation, i found myself asking, “Why am i going through all of this trouble just to feel a connection?”
and for a moment there, i hear my younger self telling me that we’ve stopped doing this; that we’ve stopped chasing for people who only know how to pull away; that we’ve stopped reaching for skyscrapers who never know how to look down.
then, i realized. i know these people. in another time and space, i would’ve been part of the conversation. in another time and space, they would’ve chosen me.
but that time and space is not now and here.
that time and space is long and gone; and i have recalled the number of times i have tried. i called the number and it was busy. i sent letters but got none back.
just like you who’s reading this, you told them you loved them and they didn’t say it back.
just like you who’s reading this, you told them you loved them and they said it back–but not in the way you wanted them to.
like you, i had that one-second moment where i asked myself, is there anything i could’ve done differently?
did i send enough letters?
did i call enough times?
did i tell them enough how much they mean to me?
but in the end, these are all questions that hold no particular answers.
growing up, i’ve learned that we will encounter so many people in our lives. some people will love us back. some people will not.
some people will come into our lives and like tangents, we’ll touch at one point and then never again.
and then there are those people who you wish–you really wish–would love you back the way you love them but they just don’t. and once the phrase “it’s not you, it’s me” meant so little to me but now, i see it more than just the number one break up line.
i see it for what it is–the truth that some people are never going to love you back the way you want them to.
like you, i used to think it sucks but today, i realized that maybe, it’s just the way the world works.
i wish somebody told me this when i was younger but you know, it’s okay.
some people are never going to love you with the same intensity and that’s okay.
i wish somebody told me this when i was younger but i’ll tell you right now that your value is not defined by those who cannot see it.
i’m not saying this because i’m trying to reason with myself. i’m saying this because nobody ever told me this, i had to learn the hard way.
i’ve had sleepless nights where i lied awake wondering about the things that i am not, about the things i can never be. and sometimes, some days, i looked at myself in the mirror and did not recognize me.
i was trying to be loved the way i wanted them to and it hurt the kid that i was, who fought so hard to believe that love, if it is meant for you will be yours.
so today, i promise you that i am going to silence my brain when it tells me all the things that i should’ve done. there’s nothing i could’ve done for the people who just don’t want to see the efforts anyway.
promise me that after you read this, before you go sleep tonight, that you will not measure your value based on the people who cannot love you.
promise me that when you wake up, you will look around and find those who see your worth, those people who understand that you’re a masterpiece; and that you remain a masterpiece even when the lights are off, when even you can’t see it.
and more importantly, promise me, that you’ll give yourself the kind of love you’re so willing to give somebody else.
you don’t owe it me. but you owe it yourself.
i am telling you this because i wish i didn’t have to write this.
promise me that the next time you find yourself outside a conversation, you’d put on your headphones and listen to your favorite song. because i think that if they’d wanted you in, they would’ve invited you.
and i think that if they really want you in their life, they would’ve called by now.